*Disclaimer: This post has nothing to do with "How to dress professionally" but I was inspired to write it, so here it is
Yesterday as I scrolled down my endless
Facebook news feed, I couldn't help but notice how many of my friends had shared
an article entitled “23 Things to do
Instead of Getting Engaged Before you’re 23.” As someone who recently
became engaged on my 24th birthday, I was curious to read the
article everyone was so quick to share. As I read it, frankly, I was disappointed
that I had wasted my time. The article goes on and on judging couples who
choose to get married early, referring to it as a “cop out.” Yet, I still wanted
to give the article the benefit of the doubt. I thought, it’s called “23 Things
To Do…” so maybe the awesome list of “musts” would justify her moody,
judgmental article. Then, I was disappointed again.
The list includes things such as “start
a band”, “cut your hair”, and “sign up for CrossFit”….what?! 1) who says I want
to do 90% of the things on this list, and 2) Why can’t I do the 10% that seems
semi-interesting with the person I love?
Look, I get it, it is important to
know who you are before you meet someone and spend your whole life with them
because forever is a long time and we all owe it to ourselves to be who we are
but not everyone is meant to do the same things. It is difficult for me to
understand why someone would write an article clumping all young couples into
one category. The article states that marriage:
“… is a way for young people to hide behind a significant
other instead of dealing with life’s highs and lows on their own. It’s a safety
blanket. It’s an admission that the world is just too big and scary to deal
with it on your own; thus, you now have someone that is legally obligated to
support you till one of you dies or files for divorce.” She goes on to say it is "insane that I have already experienced more of the world in the last 22 years than my married peers will ever experience in their life"
I think that is ridiculous! Sure,
there are young couples who get married for all the wrong reasons, but there
are also 30 and 40 and 50 year olds who get married for all the wrong reasons
(you can be lonely, a gold digger, or a
lunatic at any age). What I feel that this girl doesn't understand is that yes,
her life is great, and good for her, it’s not easy to be in another country
alone exploring and living and I respect her for that, but my life is just as
awesome, and I bet many of my married and engaged friends 23 and under would
say the same. I have traveled, been away for college, I am continuing with higher education (which according to the article is not a "trend" when you are young and married or engaged) and I do not plan on stopping because I all of a sudden have a ring on my finger. My sister got married at
the age of 22, yes, I agree she was young, but I have literally never seen her
happier. She lives a full life with love and responsibilities and she knows EXACTLY
who she is, her marriage never stopped her journey to self-discovery.
I have been in a relationship for 7
years. We found each other at a young age, some would say it is too young but
what the author of the other article fails to realize is that when you are in
love, truly 100% in love and devoted to someone, life is better with them than
without them. I would give up 10 trips to China to spend a full day with my fiancée,
and if I ever had the opportunity to travel somewhere, I would enjoy it so much
more if I could share it with him. I know who I am. Marriage is not a cop out,
marriage is difficult, marriage is work, but people do it because it’s worth it,
because their significant other makes them better. If you find the right
person, they should not stop you from growing and learning, they should love
you for who you are at the moment as well as for who you will grow to be. The article
suggests waiting even if you think that you have found the one, but why? Life
is short and you never know what can happen so I say, if you are single, live
your life, travel, explore, read, learn about different cultures and languages, meditate, “start
a band” if you so choose and if you are engaged or married, do the same because
no one is stopping you.
This is an amazing response. I think throwing a blanket statement over anything is a really terrible move. Not everyone who gets married young is only doing so because they need a "security blanket." Just as not everyone who gets married young does it for all the right reasons. It really all boils down to this: if it isn't your marriage, then you have absolutely no say in how things are going to pan out. That is entirely up to the couple, their love for each other, and their desire to make things work.
ReplyDeleteExcellent response.
Thank you Mary, and thanks for reading!
DeleteI agree completely! So well said. Marriage doesn't and shouldn't define who you are as an individual nor should it affect your ability to learn and grow. It's a lifelong process. Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteThank you, glad you enjoyed it :)
DeleteThanks so much for this! The original article really bothered me too and I agree with your points. People in relationships shouldn't trust bitter single bloggers' advice about men and dating. A big part of growing up is learning how to care for someone else. How to navigate the dating world and make another person happy while being happy yourself. Sure, I get the point about not getting married before you've experienced the world on your own. I'm 23 and am currently with the man I hope to marry. She goes on about taking risks. Some of the riskiest most spontaneous things I've ever done have been with him. He got me into scuba diving, free climbing and both of us have traveled a fair amount separately and hope to do more together, despite him working full time and me being in grad school.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like what she was trying to do was encourage young people to get out there and learn about themselves before committing to another person. But you can't hate on the people who choose not to be single. It's a personal choice. Love happens when you don't expect it and it's all a matter of finding the right person who is supportive and who challenges you to be your best self. In my opinion, a relationship should be about having fun, reaching goals together and being there for the other person. Instead of writing angry blogs about why marriage is a bad idea, people should start living. They might even find someone along the way. Imagine that!
Thanks for your response and best wishes to you and your fiance!
Well said!! Sounds like you and your man lead a pretty exciting life! Good luck to you and thanks for reading :)
DeleteInteresting response and I kind of agree. I agree with the idea that marriage doesn't make you who you are! Also, I really like that you point out that people can get married for the wrong reason at all ages. Check out my response to "23 Things" here: http://hannahkrisheq.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback, I will check out your response as well!
DeleteHi Samantha! I really enjoyed reading your response! You made a lot of points that really hit the nail on the head, and I'm so glad that you shared your take on it. Of course, I read the original article and, yes, I did raise my eyebrow more than once (A "cop out"? "safety blanket"? Really??) but I digress. You are absolutely right that marriage is not a "cop out". As you said, marriage is difficult and it takes a lot of work. And it's in no way an easy way out to avoid the world, that's for sure.
ReplyDeleteI know anecdotes are not data, and that my personal experience is just that - my personal experience and nothing more. But I thought I'd share my own just to contribute to the discussion. My husband and I married when we were both 22. We met in July 2004 and (get this!) got married in December of that year. Crazy, huh? I think, by all accounts and statistically speaking, our marriage should have failed. And yet we recently celebrated our 9th anniversary and we're looking forward to our 10th! We have a beautiful daughter (I became pregnant when I was 23 and she was born when I was 24), a lovely home, and an amazing life together. But all of that took work. And the ability to be flexible with each other through the years as we grew as individuals. (I'm not the same person I was at 22, and neither is he.) And like you, I never stopped growing as an individual - I finished my bachelor's and moving on to grad school. I have my own interests and so does he. Although we do a lot things together as a couple, we also make it a priority to explore our own interests as individuals. I think that sort of balance is one of the things that makes it all work.
As for the original author's suggestions - in one way, I can kinda see what she was trying to say. She was suggesting that we take some time out for ourselves and experience life as a single person before plowing headfirst into marriage. I admit, before I got married, I had a blast being single and I loved every bit of it. (I did quite a few things on her list, including 3 and 11, plus a good deal more that her list didn't even mention. It was a crazy time.) So I suppose by the time I got married, I felt like I had covered the single life and was ready to move on. But again, that's just me, and that's not for everyone. Which I think is exactly the point anyway - everyone's life is different and there's no single "right way" for everyone. It was naive for the original author the presume so.
Again, I really enjoyed reading your response and thank you for posting it! Take care!
Thanks so much for your feedback! It sounds like you have a beautiful love story. Congrats on all of your accomplishments and goals and for being an example that finding love early in life doesn't mean you forget about yourself and your wants and needs! Feel free to share the article :) Thanks for reading!!
DeleteBrilliant - I'm so glad to see other people responding the way I did to that post. I love your last bit about "no one is stopping you".
ReplyDeleteI also wrote a response..if you're interested in reading it.
http://lifewithbria.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/twenty-three-and-engaged/
Thanks! I will check out your response right now :)
DeleteHello Samantha,
ReplyDeleteYour response was exactly what many people needed to hear. It is moderate and non-judgmental, without allowing anger to cloud your response. As a woman who married at 21, I did find the original blog post pretty rude. I have been married for more than 5 years, and my husband and I are very close. In fact, people still think we are newly-weds (because we are always laughing together).
There was one question my dad asked me when I asked him how you know if you really love someone. He said this:
"Well, I think you should consider this...is he the man you can live with? Or is he the man that you cannot live without? If he's the man you cannot live without, then you aren't making a mistake."
Sometimes, you meet The One when you are young. Sometimes, it happens when you are older. Marriage isn't a cop-out, it is a commitment. And I think that the young author of 23 things might have misunderstood what it means to be married.
I hope to still feel like a newlywed after 5 years of marriage that is great! Also, great advice from your dad, its so simple yet so true. We should never settle but once we have found happiness and love, why throw it away just because of age?
DeleteThanks for your response and thanks for reading!!