After so much hard work and waiting, today I found out, I will have to retake one of the sections of the bar exam. For those of you who do not know, the Florida Bar exam consists of two days (Part A and Part B). I spent all weekend filled with anxiety, finding it difficult to control my emotions. Not knowing what the results would be was causing stress unlike anything I have ever felt. Today when I saw my results one column said "Failed" and the other "Passed". I must have rechecked it 50 times before I let it sink in. I felt my heart sink and the tears start flowing. How could this be? How could I study so hard and not have passed? I was positive. I worked hard. I envisioned the result I wanted, what went wrong? I have never failed at anything especially something I put so much effort into.
I started to make the dreaded phone calls to family members and friends who had been anxiously waiting for my results all morning. I felt like I failed everyone. I felt embarrassed, confused. I cried and cried (and am still crying in bits and pieces) but those who know me know that I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. I have NO IDEA what the reason is at this point and I am frustrated to begin this cycle of studying all over again but I am also at peace with knowing that God has a plan for me. There are people dealing with terrible things right now, life changing things that cannot be controlled. This on the other hand, has a solution and now I am more determined than I ever was.
Today I am sad, but I am ok. I am frustrated, but I am grateful. One day I will look back and this moment will be insignificant. I have a family that loves me, a fiance that supports me with all that I do, and friends who believe in me and I am employed. Things could be better, but they could also be worse. I am where I am supposed to be. This is a lesson that I cannot control everything. Life isn't always going to take the path I want or planned and that is okay because what is waiting may be even better.
To my friends that passed, congratulations!! To those who didn't, we are more than one test. Soon we will also be celebrating and victory will be that much sweeter. Remember "never confuse a single failure with a final defeat".
