Never in my life have I studied so hard, been so frustrated, so tired and never has my idea of reality been so skewed. My life literally became ALL about this test, nothing else was important, I felt like it was life or death, like if I didn't pass the world would judge me and there would be no fixing it, no way of making me whole again. At this point, I have had some time to think about it, to reflect on things generally and the importance of this exam on my life. Here are some things I have felt as I wait (and I am sure many of the thousands of other graduates who took the test probably feel the same):
1. I killed it! I definitely passed!
There are times when over and over again I tell myself "Of course I passed, sure it was hard, but so was law school and I did just fine". There were over 3,000 people taking the exam in Florida. It is intimidating when you see one room with thousands of anxious faces but I just keep telling myself, a large group of those thousands passed and I am one of them. Sure, my Florida multiple choice was a mess but I did great on the essays...I'll cling to that.
2. I didn't do enough...bombed it for sure
I try to avoid this thought as much as possible but sometimes the little devil on my shoulder just places pure doubt into my mind. I stress about the fact that so much of what I studied didn't even come up on the test, the fact that the one thing I barely studied showed up over 30 times, the fact that it's not uncommon to fail, and the stress overcomes me. Even as I write this, there is a little bit of panic that is setting in because I cannot even fathom studying so hard again or going back into that gigantic, scary, ice box that was the testing room.
3. Why did I go to law school?
I am drowning in debt and jobless why didn't I just stop after college?? I had so much scholarship money for college that I actually finished with money in the bank and I often ask myself why I didn't quit while I was ahead. What does this degree mean if it is essentially meaningless without my results? I then try to calm my thoughts by reminding myself that there is a bigger picture. Today doesn't define tomorrow. I went to law school because I wanted a better future for myself, because I wanted to learn, I wanted to help others, and I wanted to challenge myself. Sure, I may be paying off my loans till I'm 100 but who cares. No risk, no reward.
4. Pass or fail, I will be judged
If I pass my family and friends will be proud, if I don't then they will not. Now, I know that is not true. I know my family and friends will be proud regardless of the results but the mind is a tricky thing. It plays games with you causing self doubt and fear. We just have to be strong enough to fight the negative thoughts with faith; faith that things will be as they are meant to be and that all we can do is our best.
The bar exam made me forget who I was. As I was studying I would joke and say "I don't even know who I am anymore." I just felt like a robot: wake up early, study for 7, 8, 10 and at the end 12 hours a day and I still felt that I was not doing enough. Funny thing is, I wasn't joking. The week after the exam, I literally didn't know what to do with myself. Who was I besides a girl preparing for a test?
I am slowly coming to realize that a test does not define me. Yes, it is the most important exam I have taken in my life, but is the outcome life or death? Does my self worth hinge on whether the words pass or fail appear on the screen? NO. I am so much more than pass or fail. I am a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a fiance, a cousin. I am a friend, a writer, a student, a sarcastic, blunt, jokester who walks the line between making my family laugh and making them want to kill me. I am a hard worker, a determined, competitive individual, and I am often times too hard on myself always thinking that I could have done more. I am controlling and doing my best to be more of the "go with the flow" kind of girl. I am a believer in good vibes and good energy and the power of positive thinking. I am so many wonderful, beautiful, flawed, frustrating things....not one of which is a test result.
